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From Our Beau House To Yours – My Date With Robert Pattinson

Today is the movie premiere of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

I’d like to focus on the film masterpiece hitting cinemas today, which as you know is based on the books by Stephanie Meyer, aka Mormon extroadinaire (and abstinence advocate).

What you all didn’t know about New Moon, is that I feature in the end scene, and spoiler alert, I’m gonna tell you how it ends. Bella (played by underage Stewart) up until now has been vampire Edward’s human interest (played by Pattinson, 23).

(Now I’ve never read Twilight so the scene came from skills I learnt from that Christian-Jewish improv team I saw last year)

Bella Swan, after getting in a motorcycle accident is taken in for surgery and discovers a brain tumor that has impaired her judgment for the last year and a half. Doctors thankfully save her life and she realizes her she’s pining for a vampire, rebounding with a werewolf (played by Taylor Lautner) and has vampire crazies after her. She goes into life long therapy for her fear of new moons and the dark, and later writes a self-improvement memoir about it (that last part appears in a ‘where are they now?’ subtitles at end of movie). All of this worked out, she says in the end, because it enabled her to go to college like a normal person.

Edward, heartbroken (oh wait, he doesn’t have a heart, he’s a vampire!) moves to New York City to drown his sorrows with his powerful original songs. We meet in Washington Square Park where he stumbles over the NYU literary journal The Plague, and (because he so old) thinks the plague is actually back and in America. My character, Sella Bawn, stops him from having an anxiety attack and we fall instantly in love. We go on a date at a Older-Hipsters-Meet-Kristen-Stewart-Aged-Girls-Dating-Service bar in Williamsburg (that’s in Brooklyn where his loft apartment is), at which time he reveals his terrible secret: he’s not a vampire but actually Robert Pattinson, and isn’t love with me, but in a longtime relationship with former co-star Daniel Radcliffe.

The End.

-Nikki-Lee

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